Welcome to Konnect
02.10.2025
‘Welcome to Konnect, the most honest dating app where we use data to find your ideal person! Click here to create your profile.’
Sprawled on his bed with his phone dangerously close to his face, Roger opened his ‘Favorites’ album and began scrolling through the photos of him.
Maybe this one of him holding the fish? It showed that he had hobbies and got outdoors. Or this one with him and a bunch of his attractive female friends? Shows that … pretty girls like hanging around him.
He clicked the upload button.
Facial recognition, initiating. Subject: Roger Thorne. Age: 27.
‘Looking good, Roger! With our facial recognition software, we can fill in the basics of your profile such as your age, gender, sexual preference, and geographic location!
‘Now, add a bio and answer some of the prompts we provided to give your profile more color!’
Roger added a few random lines in his bio (“Just got out of a long relationship, looking to have some fun, down for casual hangouts”), and skipped over the prompts.
Thorne’s Instagram indicates one brother and one sister. Thorne’s LinkedIn shares a post where he mourns his mother’s lost battle to cancer in 2022. Thorne has been working at PWC for three years. Roger Thorne Facebook – dated Nancy Williams for five years. Photos of Nancy ceased by December 18, 2025, according to Thorne’s camera roll.
Nancy Williams profile: white, 5’6”, green eyes, light blonde hair, slim figure.
Updating matching sequence to prominently show Thorne profiles of women with a similar look to Williams.
‘Thanks for filling that out! Now, you can start swiping to find the love of your life!’
Roger glanced at the time: 1:07 a.m. He rubbed his eyes and considered going to bed, but the allure of thousands of beautiful women right at his fingertips … well, sleep could wait.
As soon as he began swiping, he was in awe of the caliber of women he came across. He continually swiped right, right, right, but received no matches. That was fine, though. He just created his profile, so the women hadn’t even stumbled across him yet.
Calibrating … only showing women who are an 8 out of 10 for the first three days. Prioritize Caucasian women with a fair complexion and slim figure. Once in every eight profiles, show an AI generated profile of a woman ideal to Roger, based on his preferences shown on the app.
1:18 a.m., Konnect app closed.
***
‘Welcome back, Roger! Ready to start swiping again to find the ideal woman?’
Data collection: swipes left on 4/4 women with glasses. Swipes right on 3/5 blonde women. Swipes left on 3/4 women with curly hair. Resolution: show fewer profiles of women with glasses, fewer women with curly hair, more blonde women.
Roger mindlessly crunched his soon-to-be soggy cereal, eyes glazing over the beautiful, the plain, and the downright ugly women presented to him on Konnect.
Finally – he got his first match. A cute blonde girl with freckles, big eyes and even bigger tits. Just what he wanted.
Congrats on your first match, Roger! Are you brave enough to make the first move?
8:45 a.m. – notify Denise Wharton of her match with Roger Thorne.
Four miles away, Denise Wharton felt a buzz on her phone. Toothbrush still in mouth, she picked it up to see a pop-up from Konnect.
‘Hey, Denise! You got another match! While the match - Roger - is not your ideal type based on your swiping preferences, remember, he could still win you over with his personality.’
But, if you are looking for the ideal man, you might want to keep swiping, because Konnect is always refining your ideal type based on data!
Denise always humoured herself by checking out the men she matched with. He was alright, she guessed, swiping through his profile. A little short. Eyes strangely far apart.
Meh. Whatever. He was pretty good looking – which was why she swiped right on him. But she trusted Konnect to find her someone better – it always did.
Back in his apartment, Roger was crafting the perfect opening line to get Denise’s attention.
“Heyy – how many weeks of us dating would it take for you to steal my hoodie?” He hit sent, nodding in satisfaction at his wit and flirtiness.
Opening line: 50% likelihood of getting a reply from any one female Konnect user. But 20% likelihood of getting a response from Denise Wharton.
8:48 a.m.. Konnect app closed.
***
‘Welcome back, Roger! Ready to start swiping again to find the ideal woman?’
Analyzing Thorne’s Instagram stories. Videos of apparent intoxication posted. Swiping and preferences may be compromised.
Roger, beer in hand, aimlessly began swiping through photos of women in the bar. Next to him, his friend Eric was providing insightful commentary.
“Look at the ass on that woman! You could totally hit that.”
“Damn, swipe right on her, holy shiiiit.”
“Yo, look, you got a match–”
Two miles away, Jane Hopkins’ phone buzzed. Though her Konnect date was in the restroom, she took a peek to find another match. Her date was going fine so far, but she knew Konnect could find her someone better.
‘Hey Jane! You got another match! But we regret to inform you that the match - Roger - has been ‘drinking and swiping’ as we say. Bare this in mind if you decide to chat with him.
And remember - Konnect can always find you someone more fitting to your ideal type!’
Jane huffed. She didn’t even need to see this guy. Thank god, Konnect did its research and she could trust its transparency and matchmaking skills.
Back in the bar, Roger slumped over onto Eric’s shoulder, phone clattering out of his hand.
10:02 a.m., Konnect app closed.