A story about self perception
18.11.2024
7:30am
Fuck you paul I can do it too
Even before Kelley opened her eyes, she could feel her body. The way her pajama shorts squeezed her thighs, the waistband which dug into her hips and stomach. The faded T-shirt covered in coffee stains compressed her breasts in a way that made her feel like she was choking.
She finally opened her eyes and sluggishly drew herself out of bed. She knew that she needed to take her morning shower, but each day it seemed harder and harder to undress herself and stand naked for five to ten minutes, with the eyes in the walls and the atoms in the air judging her disgusting body.
Kelley found a solution to that problem months ago: shower in the dark. She closed the bathroom door and flipped off the lightswitch. Now bathed in total darkness, she was safe to undress where no imaginary or inanimate souls could see her and judge her.
She shimmied out of her clothes uncomfortably, taking note of every roll in her body, every inch of skin. Even with the lights off, she could still feel the mockery that was her body - it was a prison she would never be able to escape.
7:45am
Kelley stepped in the shower, the water kissing her skin. Today was the day for an Everything Shower. That meant all the hair products and all the soaps and - of course - shaving everything.
The hair on her head she could deal with, but the soaping and shaving felt a little too up close and personal. She scrubbed and shaved as quickly as possible, which left a few cuts on her legs and arms.
Once out of the shower, she kept the lights off to dry off and change. Kelley tugged the clothes over her flesh, squeezing and sucking to make sure it fit. Though there was a full-length mirror standing in the corner of her room, Kelley had thrown a blanket over it months ago, too afraid of an accidental glance.
8:05am
She trudged downstairs where mom was making breakfast.
“Good morning, sweetie,” mom said, eyes fixated on the griddle as she flipped some pancakes.
“Hi mom.”
Just as she sat down, mom swept over with a heaping plate for pancakes, oozing with sugary syrup and topped with strawberries.
“I thought it would be nice if we had some pancakes this morning. Just a special treat.”
Mom made a lot of special treats these days.
Kelley didn’t even want to look at the pancakes. She rested her hand on her stomach for just a moment then squeezed it.
“I’m not that hungry, mom.”
Mom’s lip curled. “Why don’t we split the plate then? I made these from scratch.”
“I’ll miss the bus if–”
“Then I will pack them in your lunch, and you can eat them when you arrive.”
Kelley suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. “I can’t just eat pancakes in the hallway, mom.”
But mom didn’t even hear her. She was already placing six pancakes in an airtight container, dowsing them with extra syrup.
“Don’t forget, honey, we are going to the doctor today. I will pick you up right after your lunch block.”
Kelley already knew. Her calendar had a large red X on today. This appointment clouded her mind, jolted her at random moments in the day. This past week alone, she counted three panic attacks.
The doctor’s office was her least favorite place. All those judgy eyes and stares and ‘professional advice’ bullshit whatever the fuck.
8:15am
Kelley sat on the schoolbus, surrounded by a dozen other high school seniors and juniors. She was very aware of how her bum made an imprint on the seat.
Everyone was staring at her. Everyone was thinking about how bad she looked in those clothes, how gross she was, how she didn’t take care of herself, how—
9:00am
Home room had just ended, and Kelley was on her way to her locker, when she caught a passing glance of herself in the reflection of a classroom window. Usually, she was more aware of her surroundings - usually she could avoid looking at any reflective surface.
With her body turned sideways, her neck craning, arms around books, she looked even more grotesque than usual. The skin on her face sagged, the way her clothes clung to her limbs, GOD she was just –
9:02am
Crying in the bathroom. But in the stall, safe from the mirrors over the sinks.
1:30pm
Kelley climbed into the car, struggling slightly. Mom gave a sad smile as Kelley pulled the seatbelt far, far, farther, then clicked it into place.
The drive to the doctor was agonizing. With every bump, Kelley felt the bones and the skin on her body shake slightly. Her stomach turned and clenched with what she assumed was nerves.
1:52pm
They walked into the office. Being only 17 years old, mom was the one to make this appointment and forced Kelley to be here.
“I’m just … concerned about you,” she had said.
Kelley was concerned about herself too, but she wasn’t quite sure how to express it. Deep down, she knew there was no way that she could be healthy in this body. Anyone with eyes could tell.
2:06pm
The time had come for measurements. The doctor positioned her back to the wall, Kelley recoiling at his touch.
He had barely noticed. Rather he just mumbled, “Height is just under 5’7.”
Kelley gave an empty nod.
He now motioned for her to step on the scale.
She hesitated.
Could she make a break for it? All she had to do was push the doctor out of the way and run past her mom, snag the car keys in the process and just go home and –
No, there’s no way she could get away. She could never run fast enough; they would easily catch up.
“Kelley, please step on the scale,” the doctor urged.
Mom gave her a weak smile, one meant to be encouraging.
Kelley sighed.
2:08pm
One foot. The next. She wavered back and forth, not sure how to position her weight.
Kelley made sure to squeeze her eyes shut so that she wouldn’t see the number. But it didn’t matter. The doctor announced it.
“Alright … wow. 84 pounds.”
Not a second had passed before mom burst into tears.