Insomnia

It starts as a frightful, one night stand. Restless, with eyes closed but mind spinning. Frantically tossing and turning, trying to get in the most comfortable position. This happens with you sometimes, so maybe it isn’t a big deal. But it continues. Two hours of sleep this day. Three hours this day. Two hours this day. Four hours this day. Until it’s something to expect each night. Sleep becomes a point of fear. You hate the moment when you have to go to sleep, because you know it will be another frustrating failure. Your eyes are dry. Your head aches. You’re endlessly jealous of your friends you can fall asleep in minutes and stay asleep for eight hours. You start to fear driving, because of the sheer exhaustion that claws at your mind. You go to the doctor and get sleeping pills. They don’t work. You buy a more comfortable mattress. Get extra pillows and blankets. Buy earplugs and an eye mask. You play white noise and fiddle with the thermostat for the perfect temperature. You do everything the internet tells you—no phone, no food, no water. Nothing works. You start to make excuses as to why you can’t be productive, why you can’t work out, why you can’t see friends right now. You’re too tired to function, too tired to get any of that done. Just focus on sleeping, you tell yourself. So instead, you spend all your free time trying to fall back asleep. But it never works. Instead, you’re spending your days in bed, waiting for something that you know deep down will never come. You start to feel guilty, because you’re not doing anything, but you know how important sleep is, so your entire day is just dedicated to trying to sleep. Nothing gets done. You start to fall behind on chores. You’re not working out. You’ve been skipping meals. You want to cry because of how frustrated you are but your body is too exhausted to cry. So, you just sit on your bed, whimpering, scrunching up your face. You want to scream, to throw something to sob, to slam your hands against the pillow. You do none of this, because you know how important it is to conserve your energy right now. You as yourself, why must something so innate and simple be so unbearably difficult?